In search of….

i left what i knew, trying to escape myself,

after years of endless searching,

i grew tired of life,

i feared lack of adventure,

since my early teens i dreamed,

endlessly,

of silver screen,

and storybooks,

every time i tried to emulate,

i was doomed to failure,

each time i tried to convince myself,

lies crushed under their own weight,

i need inspiration,

i need passion,

i need dreams,

i need hope,

i believe in ‘happy endings’

i believe that good shall prevail,

i believe in connection at first sight,

i believe in the power of the universe,

i can’t settle for less than i give,

its not that i’m too stubborn,

even when i made wrong decisions,

i knew i was shutting my eyes to what my heart could clearly see,

i changed when i slammed in to my destiny,

now i keep discovering treasures mapped in the present of time,

the more i understand,

the more priceless they become.

my favourite thing

i’ve always told you how i felt when we met,

you with your eyes, your smile, your energy, your aura,

blew me away, completely left me stunned,

there was absolutely no way to tell the difference between dream or reality,

 

i can close my eyes and feel every sensation from that time,

i craved every single second with you,

i hung on every single word, needed you like an addiction,

restless without your voice, physically dependent on your touch, presence and kiss,

 

i’ve never fallen deeper,

i never knew i could fall so deep,

in 3 days i lived a thousand love stories,

the ancient, the classic, the modern

 

i fell for the soul life had taken from and added to,

for every girl you had ever been,

i fell for not only the girl you were,

but for every person you will ever be

this is not a test

Release the wealth within your self, be the person you are in your dreams, the one that is true to your soul, the one your imagination knows you can be,

A hopeless romantic for love and life; with a good heart, inspirational/destructive, sometimes I can analyse life and love apart.

But I’m always trying to be the best I can be, always trying to learn from others, through reflection, new lessons and history,

I have the power to inspire, lead and raise hope. The ability to teach, and change the world, the power to energise through my words and soul,

You can do the same and much, much, more, this is not the self help section of a book store, this is not a test, it’s life, it’s real.

Be the person you would most like to be.

jekyll and hyde

I’m not just jealous,
its just you’re more than my girl,
I’m not just protective,
its just that you’re my whole world,
its not that I’m just threatened,
I’m just hungry for all your touch,
if I had been with you my whole life,
maybe I wouldn’t care as much,
it’s not just unreasonable behaviour,
more than just irrationality,
I just can’t take you off the pedestal,
I just want you all for me,

my beating heart

my heart beats for you, pounding against the cage of my chest in despair,
every second of every day to remind me of how life is without you,
and when I’m with you my heart does not pound,
it soothes my chest by rocking gently back and forth,
lulling my body into peace,

love me for a reason

love me because you love me,
not for anything I’ve ever said and done,
love me because you want me,
not because I’m the only one

wishing I was there

when you’re on the way to coffee,
i wish it was me you were going to see,
when you laugh and share conversation,
I wish the back and forth was with me

have I told you lately

I love the way you talk about forever,
indirectly by planning future holidays and retreats,
I love the way you plan for years to come making me dream beyond today, into eternity,
I love the way you make me push myself, so gently I can’t feel your touch, so strong I exceed my expectations and leave my self doubt in the dust,
I love the way you piece my jigsaw brain and tell me it’s ok,
and then somehow the pieces fall in place, and I realise I’m not that crazy,
a little alien, but not crazy,
I love you, and the way I find new things to love about you,
I love that you inspire me to love,
I lose count of how many times I fall for you,
I love the way at times when you don’t realise; you take my breath away,
and then you carry on not realising how deeply you left me stunned,
you’re my perfect story, so novel, yet so honest, so true,
and you’ve chosen to share life with me,
I believe it now, dreams do come true

hard to take part, not to let go

I used to think, the hardest thing was to be successful,
I used to think, in my teenage years,
that life was so unfair,
as a child, I used to covet things other kids had,
I used to think, If I was part of their families,
I wouldn’t be so sad,
I used to dream away, endlessly,
for simple little freedoms,
looking for love to replace what I did not feel,
I used to wish my life away,
I looked for role models, inspiration, desperate to find my way,
millions of mistakes made,
I learnt along the way,
though the hardest way to learn,
I think it made me,
so tired of getting burned, I used to get so sad,
lonely, misunderstood, mad,
I used to think ‘if I could end it all I would’,
(be that what it may),
Once upon a time I used to think,
the hardest thing was to let my parents and family down,
it turns out it’s not me, that’s the talk of the town,
the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to help break these family bonds,
the second hardest, the responsibility to rebuild them,
those that once alienated me so unfairly,
now cannot live without me,
sad, sad, irony.

one day i found my voice, i predict a riot….

when I was younger,
i watched as people spoke,
There were different sides of me,
some who could,
and could not talk,
i didn’t fit everywhere,
so at times i just kept quiet,

then one day i found my voice,
I predict a riot,
i grew louder day by day,
shyness transformed endless ways,
a new me had grown,
I even tried smooth,
(but couldn’t hide the clown in me),
I even tried bad,
(never convincingly….
damn my transparency),
I even tried performing,
though never a show stealer,
sometimes I did steal the show,
how that happened i don’t know,

now I’m maturing I guess,
try to catch more wisdom,
each and every day,
I love that i can choose,
love how i understand my moods,
love choosing what to keep or let go,
which emotions to nourish and nurture,
i love that i can feel,
what I do and don’t enjoy,
I love that i’m a man,
and no longer a boy

every day i find more to love about you

in my dream,
i was at the computer screen,
smiling at you,
you smiling at me,
you rested your head on your side,
and I captured the image,
i couldn’t get it out my head,
that night I lay my head down,
and dreamed my dream of you,
in my dream,
I was at the computer screen…..

what I’m saying is,
reality seems surreal,
dreams seem real,
i day dream while I talk to you,
of you and me,
despite you being there,
right in front of me,
what do they call that?
i thought I knew love,
writing about it like I lived it,
sometimes arrogantly,
but i’m humbled by this,
astonished by us,
my old heart is made from bolts and nuts,
only you make me feel alive,
you’re my one and only treasure,
my friend, my girl, my life x

day dreaming in the office, looking at the computer screen, the reflection of the window, world outside teasing me

So much of life spent behind a screen,
In my head I contemplate all that’s been,
Heard of freedom but I’ve never seen,
How to escape, I sit and scheme

Glance out the window,
caught by a ray of light,
Feel the warmth of the sun,
Kids outside play and fight,

Remember music videos,
Hydrants spout in summer streets,
wish myself away,
Tapping to jazzy beats,

splashed by soakers in the sun,
my face and clothes dripping wet,
laughing out loud,
these moments I’ll never forget

If you ever feel naked in front of me…

when I think of you,
when I remember your body,
your bare skin,
you’re never really naked,
to me,
you’re never really exposed,

because I can feel you,
I can sense you,
I understand you,
your personality,
your emotions,
you,

I love everything about you,
and I’ll always keep learning,
exploring each layer,
from your core,
every subtlety,
every nuance

if you ever feel naked,
know that I do too sometimes,
but when we’re like that together,
it feels so natural,
like we were meant to be,
since that first ever memory

What if the truths, our truths, could really set us free

Just as our eyes can play tricks on us, just as we are 100% certain, or as certain as we can be that we have seen something that isn’t actually there, our minds can fool us in exactly the same way,

just as we can panic when we’ve seen ‘a ghost’, when we
hear a strange noise, when we ask if there is something or someone in the house, our thoughts and feelings, our emotions can and do exactly the same, with the world around us, with people around us, even with ourselves,

our mind is everything, amongst many things, it is our thoughts, feelings, understanding, logic and rationalisations, conversely it is our fears, our worries, our stresses, strains, heartache, pain,

just because a thought, a feeling, compulsion or desire emanated from within, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we completely own the words, the action or the process that just occurred, however, we are responsible for understanding and then taking responsibility for any negative consequence on ourselves or to those around us,

what if our mind, spirit and body were like mirrors with a living membrane, a mirror that at times when we were not in control as we wanted, absorbed everything around us, good or bad, happy or sad,

what if this living membrane, this human mirror became so powerful, reflecting so frequently (as it was so effortless to reflect rather than interact), that we lost our autonomy, our personality, our identity,

what if our default setting in life, in communication
became at the very least a balancing act, a balance to maintain simply a footing to get to grips with the enormity of the tasks we faced everyday in the world around us,

what if our default setting had already set us up to be overwhelmed, before we even had the chance to realise we’d been predetermined to be, and this was as a
result of the world around us, encouraging submission, willing quietly for us to lose control?

what if we didn’t have to trust the images captured in that mirror, what if we chose not to own that thought, that feeling, that paranoia, that uncertainty; what if we
understood that just because something originates from within, it doesn’t qualify it automatically as valid, correct, right, true, congruent with who and what we are,

what if we always questioned, always filtered, always tested, reflected, understood, accepted even, that we don’t always move forwards, and don’t always move backwards, but we are here nonetheless, and all that we can be is
who we are meant to be, individual, unique, important,

what if we were already the best we could be, and we chose to accept that as a given, as the first commandment, the first line of our internal programming, rather than chase for a lifetime the acceptance and validation of those around us, of people, life and society.

i didn’t want to turn around…but

i didn’t want to turn around,

to see if you still stood there,

didn’t want to find out this way,

whether you still care,

 

i didn’t want to look at you,

only for your eyes to say,

what you really meant deep down,

“it’s for the best, ok?”

 

didn’t want you to see,

how much you really mean to me,

tried to hold back,

a last tiny part of me,

 

i turned around though,

to look you straight in the soul,

stepped closer to you,

my hand i let you hold,

 

and as i looked up at you,

felt your breath on my skin,

i caught that look in your eye,

a type i always hoped to have seen,

 

i froze for a second,

as you moved to kiss my lips,

and i sighed so silently,

closed my eyes, to savour the trip,

 

you held me in the cold,

i rested my head on your chest,

i stayed there transfixed,

hypnotised by your caress…

Mr Bright Side

A flicker of light is born,
It sees itself in the mirror,
Then one day it learns,
To shine brighter,
To shine for longer,

And then it looks outside,
Sees the stars in the night sky,
Aspires to shine just like them,
learns, burns,
Becomes a great mass of fire,

And when it burns,
It brings light to the dark,
And when it burns
it heats the coldest places,
Brings smiles to saddened faces

The flickers now a star,
To be seen by all,
It can’t be touched,
Too bright, too hot,
A happy but tormented soul,

A gift and a curse,
Double edged sword,
the power of expression,
Text,
spoken word.

The Tao of connection

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What exists in the fabric of interaction? isn’t love at the root of everything? When every interaction, positive and negative, problem and solution in the world happens isn’t it because there either was or wasn’t Love present in the situation?

 

If we changed the word love for understanding and we read that same paragraph again, isn’t understanding just as important ?

 

Trust?

 

Respect?

 

Kindness?

 

Compassion?

 

Patience?

 

Belief?

 

Passion?

 

And so on?

 

So we have all these principles which are just as important as the other, if we observe and practice achieving balance then they can take us to the happiest of places, when one of them is deficient they can take us to the most difficult of places,

 

Why is that though? the issue seems to centre around the individuals receptiveness and interpretation of the stimulus in the world around us, in a word we’re talking values,

 

An individuals value and belief system will place an emphasis, an importance, a bias towards certain principles, this is in accordance with their experiences and their needs, what they perceive to be important for success, for survival, for love, for respect and so on,

 

We all have different strategies and approaches to life hardwired into our psyches and subconscious, on the physical level this is evident as our everyday behaviour,

 

to achieve harmony within the parameters of this definition, to achieve connection, we must appreciate these different systems, there is of course a link between achieving harmony within and in achieving harmony with those around us,

 

In understanding that all of these principles are interwoven, interdependent, and should remain in a state of equilibrium, with the person responding dynamically to every day situations both internally and externally we can achieve a mind state that is more conducive to happiness, happiness and connection i feel are one and the same, connection with ourselves, with those around us, with the universe, with those we love.

the point

Sometimes i feel like I’m on top of the world,
Sometimes i feel like hiding in the deepest darkest corner,
I feel like pulling my hood over my head,
and scrunching myself into a ball,
I feel like zipping up my top over my legs,
I’d pretend that i can’t be seen and look only at the floor,
Sometimes I feel i can change the world and that I am the lead, the hero in my epic tale,
Sometimes i feel like I don’t want to know the lead, the plot, the story,
I just want to shut the book, never giving it a second look,
Sometimes i wish I could be constantly ‘on’,
Sometimes i wish I could find the ‘off’ button,
Sometimes I think that I understand,
Sometimes my understanding alienates me further,
Sometimes i feel all grown up,
Sometimes i feel like a grown ass kid,
Sometimes i feel like it all makes sense,
Sometimes i question my mental health,
Sometimes i experience it all and really feel,
Sometimes I feel nothing,
Sometimes I wish life wasn’t real,
Sometimes I feel so torn,
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t been……..

mind bridges and memory stains

when we connect with the people we talk to day in day out, we on some level find a bridge to their psyche, we create links, when we constantly build and break, build and break can we ever be sure that the links are broken? is it like a memory which can be forgotten but never erased, is it like a stain which can be washed out but can leave a lingering tinge of colour, when two minds merge and then separate who’s left with what and what is it that’s left behind….

self actualisation is a myth

self actualisation is a myth, in pursuing this we aspire to reach a destination, that destination is a plateau, we remain static on a plateau, to self actualise therefore we must be content in knowing that we’ll never self actualise but rather remain in a mind state that’s conducive to constant progression, in that place we’ll never be sad that we haven’t got to where we’re meant to be, in that place we’ll always feel happy wherever we are, right here, right now….